Attention All Shoppers

barcode

Image by Status Frustration via Flickr

Have you ever noticed how the self scanner at the grocery store yells at you?

I use the self scanner line because it’s supposedly faster, but I always feel a little intimidated when I have an “UNIDENTIFIED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.”

Okay, so I accidentally set my purse down. Do you have to announce it to everyone in the store?

And I get a little miffed when I press ‘okay to pay’ and she shouts “CHECK YOUR BASKET FOR UNSCANNED ITEMS, THEN PRESS ‘OKAY TO PAY’.”

Hey, I’m not a shoplifter! And if I were, I’d shoplift something better than eco toilet paper. And furthermore, I didn’t see the garlic clove stuck in the corner of the basket.

What I fear in this increasing techno-age is that Screamy Scanner Lady will start having opinions. Here’s what I imagine in future grocery store hell.

Welcome to our store. Please scan your first item. Red leaf lettuce 1.99. Brussels sprouts 3.99. bananas 1.50, APPLE FRITTER, 790 Calories, including 37 g of fat, ! 69 cents, nonfat Greek yogurt 3.99 . . . PLEASE REMOVE UNIDENTIFIED ITEM FROM BAGGING AREA

That’s better.

Organic chicken, whole $7.99, coQ-10, $5.99, HERSHEY’S WITH ALMONDS —THE REALLY BIG ONE. $1.99. (Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you should eat it.) . . .

CASHIER TO SELF SCANNER #4 TO REMOVE GIANT CANDY BAR FROM CUSTOMER TOTAL.

Can you please up your mind Ma’am! . . .

Skim milk 1.55, diet coke 1.99. DIET COKE? WHO ARE YOU KIDDING! Do you drink that with yourHäagen-Dazs! Don’t think I don’t see you in here just before closing.

Hey, aren’t you a little old to be acting all menopausal. Okay, so leave, but not just yet . .

PLEASE CHECK YOUR BASKET, THEN PRESS ‘OKAY TO PAY’

Ha, ha bitch (or should I call you ‘binge’). You pressed ‘Okay to weigh‘ and look at what you’re standing on!

THE WOMAN AT SELF-SCANNER #4 WEARING A PURPLE TURTLENECK AND MOM JEANS WEIGHS ONE HUNDRED AND BLANKETY-BLANK POUNDS. WELL ABOVE NORMAL BMI.

How do you like them apples honey? Which, if you don’t mind my saying, you should be eating more of.”

***************

Sunshine in London remarked about self-check-out in her blog today. She gets credit for inspiring me to bring these thoughts, which I’ve pondered for years, into fruition.

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2 Responses to Attention All Shoppers

  1. This is hilarious! Imagine if the screamy voice had an opinion? But then we’d have to be able to talk back too.
    I also hate the “unidentified item in bagging area” judgment. I heard a comedienne talking about that and then saying she realised her stomach was hanging over the bagging area!
    I love them apples, Eli!
    Sunshine xx

    • elifair says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed it Sunshine. And I’m glad to hear others have experienced the same reaction to our interactions with machinery. Again, thank you for the inspiration.

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